Unfortunately and sadly for me, I’d have to admit that I suffer from this debilitating disease called ‘Discombobulation’ and tragic enough, the scientists at the National Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences haven’t yet come up with a cure for it...! So...does that mean I would die....?!! There’s a slight possibility that I might get better with introspection, retrospection and loadz of time...! But i’ve had this from birth...and haven’t shown signs of getting better so far...! The situation looks quite bad...and the fact that there have been people who’ve died from this incurable disease isn’t exactly making me feel good! Yes, that’s true...! Hamlet has...as a result of the ‘To be or not to be’ syndrome...! It did manage to kill him...!! Hmm...Precisely...I am dead confused too...!! So...will that kill me...??
Huh...!! Like using fancy and grandiloquent words help...!! They don’t....!! Discombobulation it seems...!! I AM JUST PLAIN CONFUSED!! Why...why don’t I know the person I am...!! Why do I see a different ‘me’ every time I talk, think and act...??! Why can’t I be easy n decipherable (to me at least!)...!!! Some think I am quiet and reserved, some that I am crazy and wild, and yet some others think I am this goodie goodie sweet thing...! So what exactly am I...?!! Astrology hasn’t helped and so hasn’t personality tests...! There hasn’t been a single reading for cancer the sun sign or the much (so called) elaborate and intricate readings based on my birth timings, or the results of any online personality tests that i've felt matched my severely muddled personality...!
“Describe Yourself”- the one question that interviewers are so fond of...be it for a job opening or for a seat in a coveted University...and the one question I so dread...! I haven’t so far been able to decide if I were an introvert or an extrovert...or if I were a dreamer or a doer...maybe I’m neither...?! I do not know now what I want and haven’t ever known...at every crossroad in my life so far...I’ve stood like a kid...dazed and unsure of myself and what I wanted to make of my life...but things happened...I didn’t choose the paths that I did...they chose me. I didn’t know if I wanted to do science after my 10th std...didn’t know if I wanted to study in Malabar Christian College (though I loved studying Functional English there!)...and if I wanted to end up in Christ University doing an MS in Communication...though I wasn’t sure...these were the only colleges that I applied to and I got through...! Don't know if I should be calling it ‘luck’, ‘destiny’, ‘fate’ or just plain coincidence. And now I dunno what I wanna do with my life in a matter of 3 months when I would be done with my academic pursuits...;-)...!!
Like every girl, I wish too for a man who’d love me for what I am...and not somebody who’d want to transform me into his dream girl. Now, when I myself...having lived in this 165 cms, 45 kg body, for the past 21 years haven’t figured out what I am...isn’t that a tad unfair on the poor men...! How do I expect them to make sense of what I really am...!! Poor poor them...or rather POOR POOR ME...!!! (What have they got to lose...phoo!!) I mean...how sad is that...to be able to, with full conviction, state that I do not know what I am or probably who I am...!!
(Feelin all the more discombobulated... :-(...another attack...!)...But...but...even though I am confused...there one thing I am very sure of...that I AM CONFUSED...!!...no doubts...no confusion...no arguments...case closed...!!
SO NOW...WILL THE REAL NAIMIKA PLEASE STAND UP...??!!
I think we have never found a better write up about you than this one..coming to thing of it..It's good you can't exactly describe yourself..adds to your mysterious personality..;)Must say all those long words have put me into a situation of hypoconfusation ( I also have the right to twist words ;))
ReplyDeleteArthos!!! Aramis totally uderstands your frustration. ur not alone. Hypoconfusation it is anishaa ( thanku yu for tht word, maybe we should contact the oxford or the webster guys). i totally agree with how one can feel utterly lonely in between a crowd and lost amidst zilions of views and opinion. As for the 45kgs, add 4 more to it, n u have another traveller on the boat... Cheers, we'll sail through. But get ur lifejackets, i dont know how to swim
ReplyDeleteand add a lil more than few kgs to it and i sail in the same boat, though i know a few more things about myself, but i think that ain't enough sweety.... we need something more which none of us (neetha, me and u; if i may say so) have been able to figure out.... sometimes its just mmore than knowing urself.... thus i think it is rightly said; beauty lies in the eys of the beholder...!!
ReplyDeleteFrost was confused when he saw 2 roads diverging in the yellow woods.. If he cud choose the one less traveled by that made all the difference, trust me, yr on the right track hon :)
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