Life...as it has come to be...!!!



Why...why does life have to be so miserable and wretched...!!! why can’t life always be breezy, pleasant, full of happiness, nice moments and simply stated...’ROSY’...?!!! Why can’t it be so...!! Why does life have this mysterious way of taking away your happiness just when you begin to think you are the happiest and luckiest person in the whole universe...?! And lo...!! Right then...weird things have to happen and then you stand corrected...and shattered by the realization that it was actually a terrible mistake to have thought so, even for a fleeting moment...!!

There are times when the 2012 prophesy seem like the most attractive proposition ever...and you actually look forward to it...and the thought that it could be just another false prediction the most devastating...! What if like a very dear friend of mine was saying, what if the Mayan astrologer (or whatever he might have been called) writing the calendar dozed off as he was doing so and never woke up...! What if that was why the calendar wasn’t charted beyond 2012...? What if Nostradamus was exercising his imagination a little too much and nothing would come true...? Doesn’t sound too nice...anyways I don’t like the thought at the moment...maybe because I’m writing this at one of those moments when life seems like a very tiresome journey...and I’m famished, parched and tired...with no drop of water or the shade of a tree anywhere in sight...!!

And no...I have to make a declaration...! I am no morbid psycho with suicidal tendencies...NO...I’m not...!! I am very much normal...very much sane and very much commonsensical...but it’s just that at the moment, I feel like Papa Roach’s song from Infest...

”Cut my life into pieces...
This is my last resort...
Suffocation, no breathing...
Don't give a **** if I cut my arm bleeding...”

And I’ve been listening to this song from Pyaar ke Side Effects for the nth time now...it’s such a beautiful song, its making me cry...and what lyrics...!!! And like in the song, I’m honestly feeling blue too...!!

“Jaane kya chahe mann...baawara...
Jaane kya chaahe mann...baawara...
Akhiyan mere saawan chalaa...
Akhiyan mere saawan chalaa...”

And now I feel like Linkin Park’s ‘from the inside’...not because of the lyrics...but for the feel of the song, the pain, the anger and the frustration...and for the video...wish I could like in the song, yell and scream out my frustration...just to let everything out...just so that I could...

“Take everything from the inside...and throw it all away...”

I don't know...! Why do things have to be so difficult...!! I HATE IT...!!! I just hope things get better and that I see the proverbial ‘light at the end of the tunnel’...I may not really be in any dark tunnel...and things may not even be as bad as I feel they are now...but I for sure feel like I’ve fallen deep down in the dumps...!!



Photographs by Miss Megha Chopra

Discombobulated...!!

Unfortunately and sadly for me, I’d have to admit that I suffer from this debilitating disease called ‘Discombobulation’ and tragic enough, the scientists at the National Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences haven’t yet come up with a cure for it...! So...does that mean I would die....?!! There’s a slight possibility that I might get better with introspection, retrospection and loadz of time...! But i’ve had this from birth...and haven’t shown signs of getting better so far...! The situation looks quite bad...and the fact that there have been people who’ve died from this incurable disease isn’t exactly making me feel good! Yes, that’s true...! Hamlet has...as a result of the ‘To be or not to be’ syndrome...! It did manage to kill him...!! Hmm...Precisely...I am dead confused too...!! So...will that kill me...??



Huh...!! Like using fancy and grandiloquent words help...!! They don’t....!! Discombobulation it seems...!! I AM JUST PLAIN CONFUSED!! Why...why don’t I know the person I am...!! Why do I see a different ‘me’ every time I talk, think and act...??! Why can’t I be easy n decipherable (to me at least!)...!!! Some think I am quiet and reserved, some that I am crazy and wild, and yet some others think I am this goodie goodie sweet thing...! So what exactly am I...?!! Astrology hasn’t helped and so hasn’t personality tests...! There hasn’t been a single reading for cancer the sun sign or the much (so called) elaborate and intricate readings based on my birth timings, or the results of any online personality tests that i've felt matched my severely muddled personality...!

“Describe Yourself”- the one question that interviewers are so fond of...be it for a job opening or for a seat in a coveted University...and the one question I so dread...! I haven’t so far been able to decide if I were an introvert or an extrovert...or if I were a dreamer or a doer...maybe I’m neither...?! I do not know now what I want and haven’t ever known...at every crossroad in my life so far...I’ve stood like a kid...dazed and unsure of myself and what I wanted to make of my life...but things happened...I didn’t choose the paths that I did...they chose me. I didn’t know if I wanted to do science after my 10th std...didn’t know if I wanted to study in Malabar Christian College (though I loved studying Functional English there!)...and if I wanted to end up in Christ University doing an MS in Communication...though I wasn’t sure...these were the only colleges that I applied to and I got through...! Don't know if I should be calling it ‘luck’, ‘destiny’, ‘fate’ or just plain coincidence. And now I dunno what I wanna do with my life in a matter of 3 months when I would be done with my academic pursuits...;-)...!!



Like every girl, I wish too for a man who’d love me for what I am...and not somebody who’d want to transform me into his dream girl. Now, when I myself...having lived in this 165 cms, 45 kg body, for the past 21 years haven’t figured out what I am...isn’t that a tad unfair on the poor men...! How do I expect them to make sense of what I really am...!! Poor poor them...or rather POOR POOR ME...!!! (What have they got to lose...phoo!!) I mean...how sad is that...to be able to, with full conviction, state that I do not know what I am or probably who I am...!!
(Feelin all the more discombobulated... :-(...another attack...!)...But...but...even though I am confused...there one thing I am very sure of...that I AM CONFUSED...!!...no doubts...no confusion...no arguments...case closed...!!



SO NOW...WILL THE REAL NAIMIKA PLEASE STAND UP...??!!